Abigail
You almost know everything there is to know about “Abigail” after watching the trailer for it; a high-concept horror comedy thriller about a group of kidnappers who accidentally abduct a child-sized vampire ballerina. The vamp, played by Alisha Weir with plenty of relish, only ever really comes alive when she’s leering at or stalking her prey. Genre fans will recognize some friendly faces among the ensemble cast of this tic-y, schtick-y movie, all working their butts off for something. They swear (enough to seem like they’re overcompensating); they run (around each other, mostly); they get picked off one by one.
So you knew you were coming to “Abigail” for a body count caper featuring That Guys like Kevin Durand and Dan Stevens doing plummy character actor performances. Most of their co-stars keep up in less attractive roles, including Melissa Barrera as the team leader anti-heroine drawn least of all. But there’s also plenty of viscous-looking blood splatter and some modestly good-looking vampire makeup the fangs, in particular. Some action scenes are well-choreographed but generally over-edited and shot just ahead of whatever’s moving on-screen. And then the rest is unfailingly conventional 90-minute genre exercise stuff, though that’s clearly part of the idea.
I can’t really get or stay mad at “Abigail” for giving me what I came for. Sure, its creators led by co-helmers Matt Bettinelli-Olpin and Tyler Gillett (better known as Radio Silence; directors of “Ready or Not” and the forthcoming 2022 “Scream” reboot) could have done more, even if disenchanted viewers can’t exactly claim false advertising.
This setup is strictly by the numbers and all stock characters: bickering misfits kidnap the title character (Weir), follow her home via comically oversized gizmo attached to the bottom of her driver’s car, and bring the 12-year old looking girl to a secluded mansion, where they’re reminded of what’s at stake. Shady but well-dressed ring-leader Lambert (Giancarlo Esposito) gives us and them the rundown: no real names, no cell phones, nothing personal it’s 24 hours of baby-sitting a pre-teen who really likes to plié and step-toe her way through “Swan Lake” rehearsals. Simple is as simple does.
We learn next to nothing about any of this crew, thanks in large part to a scene where Lambert nicknames the characters after members of the Rat Pack. Durand’s character, a jolly but dim muscle bro named Peter, tries to find meaning in being nicknamed after rats; later he gets that it was just an empty pop culture reference and moves on.
He’s easily the most sympathetic character in “Abigail,” partly because he’s constantly straining against what his character can know and do. He’s joined by an ensemble full of tropes: Abigail’s minder, empathetic and observant Joey (Melissa Barrera); their irritating and wasted driver Dean (the late “Euphoria” star Angus Cloud); strong-silent ex-soldier Rickles (William Catlett). Eventually they have to worry not only about Abigail but also some predictable liabilities like their bratty electronics hacker Sammy (Kathryn Newton) or their foul-mouthed, inexplicably accented ex-cop backup leader Frank (Stevens).
None of these cheap party games-light traits matter once Abigail slips out of her handcuffs. The house that Abigail’s victims live in has more character, but it might as well be the “Clue” house with some extra goth-y touch-ups. Maybe that’s all you need to know about a movie. I could watch a game cast check every box on their way trying to figure out how to stop a “real” vampire; nothing comes to mind.
It’s hard to get behind watching so many good actors try and fail slightly at making you care about their characters when that is not the same thing as caring. Less boring dialogue could have done more, because what’s here is mostly just designed to hold the hands of viewers as the plot jumps from beat to beat. Joey should have been done more with also who at one point stuffs a loaded gun into her tight jeans’ waistband. I do believe it and I don’t.
“Abigail,” given luck with timing and wishful thinking, may find an audience. It is not poorly made, just uninspired and played out. If you are looking for an undemanding time at a B-movie made with a budget, “Abigail” might be for you. But also it might disappoint you especially if you were hoping for more than what’s advertised.
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